Poopy Morning…

So I’m getting ready this morning while Braden was in his Exersaucer playing. He starts carrying on and on until he is all out screaming. I can smell poop at this point (which is nothing new, something about the Exersaucer in the morning gets him too excited I guess). I finish putting the curlers in my hair and walk over and pick him up to change his diaper. As I turn to leave to room, I suddenly feel something cold and squishy land on my big toe. [Pause for mental picture and a few gags…] That’s right, poop lands on my foot. Not only is it on my foot, but I turn around to find it on the carpet and obviously all on the inside of his pants, EVERYWHERE!

I quickly switch Braden to a Superman position type hold (so that no more escapes his pants), and walk on my heel to the bathroom for some toilet paper to get cleaned up in order to walk to the other side of the house where his room is.

Once there I start the process of stripping his clothes off and cleaning him up when Braden adamantly starts to twist and turn so that he can be on his stomach [insert mind cursing here]. Now by this time, he is partly in the air as I am holding one leg up, while he is twisting, and I am trying to clean him off with the other hand. At this point, I am praying that a third appendage will grow out of my body to help hold him down, or wipe the beads of sweat that are forming on my forehead, or something. Poop is now on the changing pad, his socks, his arm, and his neck.

After about 20 minutes of cleaning him, changing everything, and starting a load of laundry, I was late logging on for work, and I still had poop in the crevasse of my toe nail [insert eye roll here].

We put a man on the moon people! Can we not make diapers to hold the crap in? Can I get an amen!?! Will it actually have to come to this?

And just in case you are wondering, my day has not gotten any better. Prime example: I need to go to the store, no food in the house. I found two stale tortillas, some ranch style beans, and some cheese to make burritos. Because the tortillas were stale, I ran some water over them and popped them in the microwave to soften them up. Word to the wise, that doesn’t work…

Are Panic Attacks My New Weight Loss Program?

So John and I believe we have found a house (ALREADY) that we think we should take a chance on. It comes with major pros and cons and the thought of each sends me to the bathroom with irritable bowels every time (sorry if that was too much information). I seriously believe I have dropped two or three pounds over the thought of moving.

So help me decide. One of my friends and I went over to take a peek at the inside. It will need A LOT of repair work and updating, which is why it is being sold for half of what it appraises for. She kept me focused by telling me to “keep the long run in mind.” Because as we all know, our little ones are growing up SO fast and school will be right around the corner. John and I are looking for something long term. She also reminded me that any money you put into a house is an investment. If we can get it updated, we can easily sell it for twice what we bought it for, and mostly because of its location.

[Stomach turning… pause for restroom break]

So here are the Pros and Cons:
Pros:
4 bedrooms (one room could be an office and therefore a tax write off since I work from home)
3 bathrooms
2 living areas
2 dining areas (my china could come out of boxes!)
1 sunroom
Twice as big as our house now
1 story (for our electric bill’s sake)
Great trees
TONS of storage (I could actually shop as SAMS)
Good schools
Field in front of house for kid(s) to play, park close by
Lot is about .5 an acre big
In our price range (which is not very much)
No registered sex offenders close by
Some wood floors that are beautiful
House is located at the end of the street where it dead ends so it is very quite and not busy
GREAT LOCATION, GREAT LOCATION, GREAT LOCATION (behind the house are a bunch of $300K, $400K and $500K+ homes)

[Pause for restroom break.]

Cons:
I am impatient and like for things to be done quickly and all at once (SOOOO not good when it comes to this sort of thing)
Repaint entire interior of house (not new to me, heck I was repainting my hallways and three other rooms when I was pregnant with Braden!- he has 10 fingers and 10 toes and none of them are webbed, so it was fine)
Repainted part of exterior (but we have access to a paint gun)
Replace carpet
Foundation repaired (one quote we found in the house history paperwork was $8,500-ouch!)
All cabinets would have to be restained or painted (and there are a million of them)
Wallpaper in kitchen would have to be stripped and walls retextured
Some windows replaced
New appliances (stove, microwave, maybe ovens- there are two)
New fixtures and hardware
Most all closet doors would have to be replaced
Further commute (but only by 5 or 10 minutes)

An inspector is obviously needed for further review of the property.

Needless to say, John and I are in hyper overdrive with repairs to our house (patching cracks from getting our foundation repaired, repainting the patched cracks, restretching the carpet that was ripped up from the interior piers that were inserted). We have also been made aware that we might have to live somewhere else temporarily in order for our house to sell and make the major repairs on the new house (if we decide on this particular one) that need to be made before furniture and “stuff” gets in the way. Anyone need some roomies?

[Stomach turning, but no restroom break needed quite yet.]

By the way, if you owe us a favor and we end up getting this house, you can expect us to come soliciting your help come time. If you don’t owe us, but expect our help at some point, we will have a sign up sheet for those that come and help, names on that list will take first priority, all others are subject to a lame excuse. Just have your paintbrush and work clothes ready!!!

Big life decisions like this are never my forte, especially when I feel so inexperienced- HELP!!!

Sleep Tight?

So nothing puts me to sleep quite like the sounds of crickets chirping, a light rain on a warm summer night, or the sound of bullets hitting the pavement after someone popping off a round.

No wait... that last one is what actually interrupted my Letterman viewing last night. That's right, I am in bed about to fall asleep to Letterman's political jokes when I hear all of you know what break loose down the street (five houses down to be exact). There was screaming and hollering among 20-30 kids and then the sound of about 10 shots being fired (who knows where).

Now I have been saying for quite some time that our neighborhood is going downhill- FAST. This particular incident follows two others that have happened- one being our mailbox broken off at the base and thrown into our front yard and the second was our house being paintballed (shout out Vandals!). While those two previous acts were relatively harmless, never mind one of them is a Federal offense, I am not one to run away from my problems, that is until my problems include a metal barrel and lead balls. I'll count this as strike three, I'm out.

Naturally I have added to my To Do list: call the Realtor.

On a lighter note, John and I have be singing the infamous Robert Matthew Van Winkle (a.k.a. Vanilla Ice) song- "Ice, Ice Baby" with the appropriate verse about "gun shots ring out like a bell" over and over again. Try to get that out of your head after something like that.

Haircut Video

Here's the haircut video- sorry but I had some technical difficulties along the way. As you will be able to tell, I don't wish to have "Big Darrell's" job at all. The whole time I just kept praying that Braden would hold still so that Big D wouldn't take an ear off! And no, Braden is not sitting in one of those bear-looking circus seats, that's John (a.k.a. Grizzly Adams).

I love the part where Big D tries to console my screaming baby, only for Braden to look at him like, "you gotta be kidding me."

Trump Jr.

As you will be able to tell in the pictures below, Braden was due for a MAJOR hair cut. Here are some clues that I picked up on that made me realize this probably should have been done weeks ago:
1. I had to comb out tangles after bath time.
2. Braden would shake his head from side to side to try to get the hair out of his eyes.
3. Braden's hair length was getting long enough to donate to Locks of Love.
4. People were referring to my child as Donald Trump.
5. I was referring to my child as Donald Trump.

Since B was turning out to be our little Junior Trump, it was time to call in the hair cutting expertise of "Big Darrell." Braden started out doing okay, but soon realized "Big Darrell" was not just standing there to be looked at.

We tried to tell him that he wasn't Sampson, but he wouldn't listen.

By the way, at the 9 month well visit the Dr. told us his eyes would stay blue (yeah!!). We now have a nice and well groomed little one... for now. I told John that Braden needed to see him get his cut first, but that trick didn't seem to work. We also have video of this "first" experience, but I'll have to find it and post it later tonight (hopefully). The best is yet to come...

Disclaimer

Okay- I am making this known from the very beginning, I am starting this with great hesitation as I have WAY too many irons in the fire as is. I only promise the following when it comes to this blogging thing:
1. My postings will be infrequent.
2. You will probably find grammar and spelling errors.
3. It will be scarcastic most of the time, witty some of the time, and humorous only at times.
4. Anything I write cannot be held against me... anywhere.

Now, on with things I have been needing to share...

First, my favorite- I am attaching a video that John made me for my 30th birthday (back in November). He is the best husband ever! Now you must know that he worked on my present for weeks. Every day he was on the computer for hours (nevermind the fact that I was complaining about him to my sisters at the time because he wasn't helping out around the house- all is now forgiven).

Along with my video, John bought me a Zune and uploaded on it all my favorite FRIENDS and Scrubs episodes and a couple of movies. It also included all my favorite songs that are on a playlist called "Songs to My Steps- The Ultimate Version." There is also a second playlist titled "Songs to My Steps- The Awesome Version" which mostly includes those "rad" tunes from the 80's. Why the gay playlist titles? I'll explain later when I include them on here. This is all just a test. I'll write more details about me and the family tomorrow, but again, I would like to stress my disclaimer list above. I'll end with this- The best is yet to come...